Alignment

So I have recently embraced another season of growing and changing and with it came a boot camp for my business. I told myself I was ready for big change and to really hustle and work hard. We are in week 6, as of today, but I couldn't get really through week 4 or 5. The push back emotionally started when the action steps became uncomfortable. I haven't done them. I told myself I would re-listen to the training but I haven't...and we slipped into week 5 with sick kiddos and with the reality of being pulled in oh so many different directions.

So when the training went deep and started with hard questions I stopped it. I did the other action steps but I never quite made it through the training. I tried again yesterday and ran into the problem again.

So today I cleared a little space in my calendar and sat down with the question and landed right here in the middle of needing some space to lay it all down here in black and white.

You might ask what is this burning question that is searing my conscience to the point of inaction? Before we go there, I must ask you a question. If I invite you into this space will you be real with me? Will you be a safe space? I often avoid writing and sharing into the empty space for fear that it will land wrong.

The question?

What do I believe in so strongly I would NEVER compromise it?

My answer....nothing.

There is NO belief that I hold that is strong enough to withstand compromise. Or perhaps the truth is even harder than even this. Perhaps the truth is I don't believe what I think I believe.

Profession is different than belief.

There is no alignment between my profession and my, lived out in the daylight, life.

Examples? You want examples?

I profess to believe that God loved me enough to give His Son, His most beloved Son, for me and for the world. I profess that He lavishes His love and grace freely upon the world. I profess that my body is His temple. My children are my heritage from Him. I profess to believe that my first ministry and mission is my home and is my children. I profess that He is the supplier of all my needs and that His service is one of Joy. He gives the more abundant life. He is Life, Love & Joy. He is my everything. I am complete in Him.

I don't like the way this question strips me bear. I really don't like the truth right now.

I feel worn out and empty. It isn't because of His lack. It is because I am not aligning my life with the truth.

It is tiring,
exhausting actually would be a better word for it,
to live the out of sync life.

My body is worn down. I have been burning the candle at all ends because my best isn't enough. I am not enough. This, is in itself, a revelation of the lack of alignment. My belief is not in my sufficiency. My belief is in His sufficiency.
At least, that is what I "profess."

If I am deeply and fully loved without a need to be "other," why do I chase "other" so hard?

Why am I living as if the applause of man matter, if my belief is that my calling is to live for the applause of only One?

It is irony at its greatest depth, to live apart and different while not living with integrity. It is the "pasted on fruit" life to hold one's self apart to values in ways that can be externally judged while also not actually living according to ones beliefs. There is a word for it.

It is not a nice word.

Hypocrisy.

Why bother?

Why bother to eat different while not actually nourishing your body & soul?
Why bother to raise your kids different or to live different? Why go through the motions of a set apart life if all it is is propped up pride and nothingness? I cannot both be eating unto the glory of God while not sleeping as if I could hold the worlds together by my busy-ness.

It is impossible to live as if I am surrendered while holding onto my sleep schedule as if it is mine, all mine,
while holding on to my negative thought patterns,
while holding on to my life.


I cannot be surrendered while holding on.

I cannot let go while clinging hard.

I cannot both accept my neediness and His grace while hustling for my worthiness.

I cannot be both His and my own.

I cannot talk about the abundant life while chasing hard after the things "others" tell me are more important. I cannot have contentment while being jealous and distrustful and wistful for what I do not have.

I cannot judge my life by other people's standards or even by my idealism and also settle into the reality that my only need is to live here in the moment and do what He calls me to in the now.

I am really really not any good at alignment.

Perhaps part of the problem is the extreme idealism that drives me...but if I am to really boil down my stripped down need it is to believe Him more.

He says...I am loved.

Here.

Now.

In the imperfection.

In the mess.

In the place where things aren't "enough" for my perfectionistic heart.

He says that I am strong, in Him.

Strong enough for this moment and all the things that are in it.

He says that He won't leave me. I am not alone. He will uphold me here.

No matter what is before me. It doesn't have to get easy for me to be loved and enough. It doesn't have to get perfect. It doesn't have to look like success to anyone else. Here He is with me. In my mess. In my brokenness. In my emptiness. In my lack of integrity. In my utter nothingness. He loves me here.

Here.

I want easy.

But I hear Him whispering, "be in Me, I am strong enough for you too."

Fortitude is built in difficulty.

If you stayed with me to the end of this I hope you can hear "this" for IT is true.
You are fully loved right now. The disaster doesn't matter. Right here, right now you are enough. You are FULLY loved here. The more abundant life isn't something that happens when you hit a $ amount in income. It doesn't happen when you achieve something. It isn't a status symbol that will be awarded you when you arrive. The more abundant life is found in abiding with Him...right here...right now.

He loves YOU here.

HERE!