God's Unfailing Faithfulness

God's amazing faithfulness overwhelms...

We live in a world of inconsistencies.  It is a world that ultimately lacks a standard.  But God and His mercy and grace changes not.

Pregnancy is a stretching time, a time when I realize already how much change is ahead...
I feel it in every new "pregnancy experience."  My body is being overtaken, and controlled from the inside out.  I often don't feel up to the challenge of it all.

One of the analogies God uses to speak to us about the Christian experience is that of birth and rebirth.  Paul speaks of the pain and discomfort and striving with others to see them accept Christ in birthing terms.  Matthew 24 and 25 tells of the second coming of Jesus and there the words used describe the troubles and tribulation of the last days are the words "the beginning of sorrows," or at least this is how some translations render it, but if you go to the original, it reads more like the beginning of birth pangs.  Our world is going through a re-birth process.  We look at the financial mess the world is in, the ecological mess the world is in, the famines and disease and these all are signs that Jesus is coming soon.  It is just as sure and even more certain, then the reality that the growing bulge and my changing shape is due to this little person developing inside me.

I am so very grateful that in all this change and uncertainty I can know with certainty that God holds my future and my present in His all powerful hand.  It is good to know that the One who loves me most is taking care of me.  There are times in this stage of life, after heartbreak and pain has already come, to trust God.  Don't get me wrong, He has always been faithful, but faithfulness is not always neat and tidy in a sin-filled world.  Bad things do happen.  Yet His faithfulness is not jeopardized by sins presence.  He is calling me up higher to a place of absolute surrender and total complete ruthless trust ( to borrow from Brennan Manning).

The One who calls is faithful.

Curses that are Blessings

Something I am pondering...
If you are interested in exploring the idea of childbirth and pain with me check out the article and then tell me what you think.

Pregnant Athletes

 I find this highly inspirational...

Hope you do to.

Thanksgiving

Sometimes among the annoyances of pregnancy it is easy to overlook the blessings.  So I am going to spend a few minutes counting my blessings.

Things I am Grateful for
~ Sunshine (finely broke through this afternoon)
~ I ate more normal food today (sprouted whole grain bread, peanut butter, pears, avocado, tomato)
~ A roof over my head
~ My amazing husband (who has been picking up all the slack right now)
~ Horses
~ Work (when so many are without jobs)
~ Work I love (when so many dread getting to work and can't wait to leave)
~ Jesus
~ Love
~ Sunsets
~ Green grass
~ Fall colors
~ The cross
~ Almost through the 1st trimester
~ Trees
~ Being pregnant (when many struggle with infertility)
~ For making it past the date where I miscarried the last one
~ For joy
~ For clean water
~ For electricity
~ For running water
~ For amazing friends
~ For amazing family
~ For having more than enough
~ For perspective

Live in the Moment Cling to the Future

Today has been a little trying.  Most of the day has been spent trying not to gag or think too much about food.  I  made it through the day, so far, without throwing up.  This is an accomplishment in and of itself, however, I have not felt well today.

I am weak, easily feel lightheaded and quite queasy. I am sure I am not eating as good as I should.  I know I am not getting enough liquids in.  Yet, I find myself comforted by the fact that I got some in, that I ate and that I didn't throw up.

Small victories.

It is important to cling tenaciously to the small victories.  To not let go.  To stay positive and to persevere.

It is difficult to push forward when everything within you is begging to stay still, to sleep longer, to not move.  Yet there are the moments when you must move and with "the must" seems to come the strength.  The strength seems proportional to the necessity.

For this I am grateful.

If any of you who are reading this are overwhelmed in your life, with your load, your worries or your cares, I am convinced that this is a truism not limited to my pregnancy.  The strength will be proportional to the necessity.  Keep pressing on, persevering, pushing ahead.  God gives the strength needed, when it is needed.

It took everything in me to ride today.  I didn't really want to ride.  Thank you Shelby (my wonderful groom) for not knowing I didn't want to ride and consistently showing up and tacking my horse.  If I had had to tack her myself, I would have observed.

Sometimes there is something to be gained by just feeling the pain, the discomfort, the lack of motivation and doing it anyway.  In our culture we are way too easily talked out of struggle into ease and comfort.  We must fight against the unseen force that would draw us back down into the land of mediocre.  To gain anything worth gaining there will be struggle and fight and a need to push against the desire to take the easy way out.

I figure this first trimester is training.  I am planning on (God willing) having this little one all natural.  I don't suspect it will be easy, but I am convinced that in most cases it is possible and preferable.  I am not against necessary interventions when necessary.  However, much like our society's love of ease and comfort, the natural birthing process has been replaced by pre-planned c-sections scheduled with tummy tucks.  After all we wouldn't want to have to work to push the little munchkin into the world or work to get our perfect body back.  This desire for ease is counter productive because the important things in life, like character cannot be bought and there is no easy way to gain a good one.

Ok, enough of me waxing philosophical.  Bottom line I am trying to stay positive and keep my eye to the future, while living enough in the present to not be overwhelmed by three plus more weeks minimum of feeling crummy.

Curses and Blessings

The Bible starts with perfection, but sin quickly infiltrates the story and next thing you know there are curses.  Funny thing is the story says "cursed is the ground for your sake."  We don't often picture curses that way.  We don't see the pain as a blessing.  But the Biblical account is one where even the punishments are meant to bring blessing.  What an amazing God we serve.

So the funny thing about these curses in the story is that the ground is cursed, and the birth process is cursed.  I find myself often naive.  I picture things one way, only to later find out about how things really are.

My pre-conceptions about marriage were wrong.  Don't misunderstand, I love marriage but it was not what I thought.  It has been the biggest blessing I have ever encountered, but it is way more time consuming and way more life altering then I ever imagined.  I am so much less selfless then I originally thought, totally self centered.  I am not who I thought I was, and marriage is not what I thought it would be.

In pregnancy take this and amplify it by 100 fold.  I pictured loving every moment of being pregnant.  I knew my mom got sick, even vaguely remember hearing that my mom went to live with her mom during pregnancy, at least for a while.  Yet it never struck me how utterly overwhelming and knock you out flat, it could be emotionally, physically and mentally.  I understood vaguely how you were growing a little person and how your whole life is wrapped up in theirs, but it didn't strike me that their growth could be so life altering.

So I am currently 9 weeks (and change) pregnant.  This little person has totally altered everything about who I am.  It starts with my love of food (which has become the new four letter f- word in our home).  I hate food.  I can only talk about it briefly here with out throwing up, because I ate just a little while ago, and the morning sickness has not come back...yet.  Normally, I love food, all types of food, fresh, whole food.  I have been subsisting on saltine crackers and top ramen for a few days.  The top ramen will probably have to be replaced, by what I have no idea, because I discovered it is oily the last time I ate it.  I cannot stand the smell of food, cannot cook, cannot go into the kitchen, cannot think about it, read about it....

We have to change the subject cuz it is beginning to make me nauseous.

What is important is being altered.  I find myself longing to live in a little cabin in the woods and have a garden and raise my kids like the Little House stories.  Now this isn't all new, but I have found my ambitious drive is fast receding.  Don't get me wrong, I want to be useful in society and to my husband.  My biggest desire is that my kids will know Jesus, and know wilderness skills.  I want them to grow up in the dirt and know which wood makes the best fire board and which ones make the best hand drills.  I want them growing up knowing wild edibles and how to not get lost in the woods.  I want them to be little Waldensian children who live simple lives and who have memorized large portions of scripture.

Suddenly I find my need to measure my riding skill against the great riders I know, less important.  After all, what part of that goes with us to the next life?  It is important to do your best and to aspire for excellence in all you do.  Yet, it is less important to me that I aspire to excellence in this particular field then it was 9 and 1/2 weeks ago.  I am still riding.  Still want to be better at it than I am.  Yet the motivation is different now.  Everything is different now.

My life has been hi-jacked by a wee little one, that we have taken to calling A25.  I am certain I will never be the same.