Silence

A lot has happened since I blogged here last.

Change happens often among the silent moments.  Morning sickness left with first trimester.  Praise the Lord!

I settled further into work at Meredith Manor and the joys and challenges that it brought.  I love helping people learn to work with their horses and learn to identify what makes their horses tick.

Yet, it was in the silent moments where I was disquieted in my spirit.  I was surrounded by inspirational, strong women who were pursuing their passion and talent.  Yet there is and was a gap between the reality and my dream of working side by side these inspirational women.

The gap grew larger in time with the little love growing in my womb.  His movements and kicks brought to a deeper authenticity the space between who I was and who I was becoming.  The questions begging for entrance in the quiet moments.  "What would be my legacy?  What is my passion, my mission, my purpose?  Which life is mine?"

These strong, passionate and talented women were living their lives.  Would I have the daring, the strength to live mine and not a poor substitute, by pursuing less than my passion and mission?  Would I be willing to stand quietly apart, in an age of liberated women, and choose to go back, to "choose" what so many had fought to leave behind.

In this choice there is a death of sorts.  It is not a death to my dreams, hopes and longings(to these, this choice gives birth to life), rather it is a death to needing to be understood.  How long and how often I have placated and vacillated between standing apart and fitting in.  Yet, one cannot have it both ways.  Standing apart and choosing to do differently means not fitting in.

Authenticity.

To be real, genuine.

I am on maternity leave.  I am not going back to work after.  I am going to stay home with my little love.  It is not an end to work outside the home, but it is an end of sorts.

There are plenty of avenues to living out my passion and talents and creativity.  By God's grace I will find the ones He has made me to fill, while at the same time fulfilling the mission and passions He has placed in my heart to be first and foremost a wife and a mother.

Live in the Moment Cling to the Future

Today has been a little trying.  Most of the day has been spent trying not to gag or think too much about food.  I  made it through the day, so far, without throwing up.  This is an accomplishment in and of itself, however, I have not felt well today.

I am weak, easily feel lightheaded and quite queasy. I am sure I am not eating as good as I should.  I know I am not getting enough liquids in.  Yet, I find myself comforted by the fact that I got some in, that I ate and that I didn't throw up.

Small victories.

It is important to cling tenaciously to the small victories.  To not let go.  To stay positive and to persevere.

It is difficult to push forward when everything within you is begging to stay still, to sleep longer, to not move.  Yet there are the moments when you must move and with "the must" seems to come the strength.  The strength seems proportional to the necessity.

For this I am grateful.

If any of you who are reading this are overwhelmed in your life, with your load, your worries or your cares, I am convinced that this is a truism not limited to my pregnancy.  The strength will be proportional to the necessity.  Keep pressing on, persevering, pushing ahead.  God gives the strength needed, when it is needed.

It took everything in me to ride today.  I didn't really want to ride.  Thank you Shelby (my wonderful groom) for not knowing I didn't want to ride and consistently showing up and tacking my horse.  If I had had to tack her myself, I would have observed.

Sometimes there is something to be gained by just feeling the pain, the discomfort, the lack of motivation and doing it anyway.  In our culture we are way too easily talked out of struggle into ease and comfort.  We must fight against the unseen force that would draw us back down into the land of mediocre.  To gain anything worth gaining there will be struggle and fight and a need to push against the desire to take the easy way out.

I figure this first trimester is training.  I am planning on (God willing) having this little one all natural.  I don't suspect it will be easy, but I am convinced that in most cases it is possible and preferable.  I am not against necessary interventions when necessary.  However, much like our society's love of ease and comfort, the natural birthing process has been replaced by pre-planned c-sections scheduled with tummy tucks.  After all we wouldn't want to have to work to push the little munchkin into the world or work to get our perfect body back.  This desire for ease is counter productive because the important things in life, like character cannot be bought and there is no easy way to gain a good one.

Ok, enough of me waxing philosophical.  Bottom line I am trying to stay positive and keep my eye to the future, while living enough in the present to not be overwhelmed by three plus more weeks minimum of feeling crummy.