Curses and Blessings

The Bible starts with perfection, but sin quickly infiltrates the story and next thing you know there are curses.  Funny thing is the story says "cursed is the ground for your sake."  We don't often picture curses that way.  We don't see the pain as a blessing.  But the Biblical account is one where even the punishments are meant to bring blessing.  What an amazing God we serve.

So the funny thing about these curses in the story is that the ground is cursed, and the birth process is cursed.  I find myself often naive.  I picture things one way, only to later find out about how things really are.

My pre-conceptions about marriage were wrong.  Don't misunderstand, I love marriage but it was not what I thought.  It has been the biggest blessing I have ever encountered, but it is way more time consuming and way more life altering then I ever imagined.  I am so much less selfless then I originally thought, totally self centered.  I am not who I thought I was, and marriage is not what I thought it would be.

In pregnancy take this and amplify it by 100 fold.  I pictured loving every moment of being pregnant.  I knew my mom got sick, even vaguely remember hearing that my mom went to live with her mom during pregnancy, at least for a while.  Yet it never struck me how utterly overwhelming and knock you out flat, it could be emotionally, physically and mentally.  I understood vaguely how you were growing a little person and how your whole life is wrapped up in theirs, but it didn't strike me that their growth could be so life altering.

So I am currently 9 weeks (and change) pregnant.  This little person has totally altered everything about who I am.  It starts with my love of food (which has become the new four letter f- word in our home).  I hate food.  I can only talk about it briefly here with out throwing up, because I ate just a little while ago, and the morning sickness has not come back...yet.  Normally, I love food, all types of food, fresh, whole food.  I have been subsisting on saltine crackers and top ramen for a few days.  The top ramen will probably have to be replaced, by what I have no idea, because I discovered it is oily the last time I ate it.  I cannot stand the smell of food, cannot cook, cannot go into the kitchen, cannot think about it, read about it....

We have to change the subject cuz it is beginning to make me nauseous.

What is important is being altered.  I find myself longing to live in a little cabin in the woods and have a garden and raise my kids like the Little House stories.  Now this isn't all new, but I have found my ambitious drive is fast receding.  Don't get me wrong, I want to be useful in society and to my husband.  My biggest desire is that my kids will know Jesus, and know wilderness skills.  I want them to grow up in the dirt and know which wood makes the best fire board and which ones make the best hand drills.  I want them growing up knowing wild edibles and how to not get lost in the woods.  I want them to be little Waldensian children who live simple lives and who have memorized large portions of scripture.

Suddenly I find my need to measure my riding skill against the great riders I know, less important.  After all, what part of that goes with us to the next life?  It is important to do your best and to aspire for excellence in all you do.  Yet, it is less important to me that I aspire to excellence in this particular field then it was 9 and 1/2 weeks ago.  I am still riding.  Still want to be better at it than I am.  Yet the motivation is different now.  Everything is different now.

My life has been hi-jacked by a wee little one, that we have taken to calling A25.  I am certain I will never be the same.