Number Two

The blog has been silent for so long. The little feet have grown and they run and jump and climb these days. At least one pair of little feet run and jump and climb.

There are another pair of little feet. They wiggle and dance and in the end her little feet are creating a new havoc of my life. I am 30 weeks pregnant with number two. It has been a long pregnancy. There have been many bumps beyond the baby bump that daily enlarges around my mid-section. There are the bumps of bleeding and bed rest and placenta previa. There is the bumping out of my dream of one more natural birth, albeit in a hospital, to be replaced by a longing desire to see 20 weeks at which point viability is considered, 24 weeks when viability becomes more realistic, 30 weeks today where complications become less intense. Yet the longing continues, as I reach forward in hope to 36 weeks and our sweet little girl still in the womb. There is the coming to terms with scheduled c-section being a desired date as opposed to the option of extensive excessive bleeding and an emergency c-section.

C-Section...
It is not that I am afraid of surgery. I have had my share, from pins to reset bones to a 5 level fusion that allowed me to actively pursue life again. Yet, I struggle so much with the idea of this one. I want me and my baby to be undrugged for her entry into the world. It seems decidedly wrong to have to cut a baby out rather than to push the baby thru the birth canal. It is like I have a grieving process that needs to be done...a loss of a dream.

It has been a hard pregnancy because of the constant emotional roller coaster. Every early bleed threw me into panic. Lately the spotting has become more common place but the occasional heavy bleeding, even though it has been short in duration has tended to send me over the edge.

The Blessings...
We have made it to 30 weeks. The house is making some steady progress. My in laws are here and bed rest with a 2 year old is now really possible. I am getting a little better at not feeling resentful and at making my needs known. I am learning to ask for what I need and not feel guilty for being so incredibly useless. My husband is infinitely supportive and keeps telling me that I am doing what no one else here can do...grow a baby. It is hard not to feel entirely inefficient at growing a baby when I have friends and acquaintances who are growing theirs while working full time. However, he reminds me often that they aren't doing that while placenta previa.  Ultimately I must concede his point. 6-7 more weeks isn't that far off, which is both a blessing and a ticking time bomb...the house that is not live-able yet, the many things we have not done yet to prepare for sweet little girl...My inability to participate much in what needs done. Yet this too is a blessing. I am being given a precious gift. I am learning to wait on God and to not be in control. The blessing is at times hard to receive but still such a wonderful gift if I can open my heart to it.